Another goddamned blog.

Jared resume, 2012

Experience:

3 months maintenance and custodial work at local charter school (references available)

Various unofficial home-improvement jobs for neighbors (references available)

Spent an entire summer editing Zeldapedia as an administrator/bureaucrat (references unavailable due to momentary lapse in sanity and deleting half the wiki before getting banned)

Accomplishments:

Currently in top 30% of the 2012 senior class at my high school

3.5 GPA

Scored a 31 on ACT

Completed Pokédex in Yellow Version (Gameboy available upon request)

 Has eaten five Arby’s roast beef sandwiches in one sitting (references available)

Other Considerations:

Voluntary instructor for beginning middle school musicians.

6 years of participation in school band programs, to include acceptance into a variety of honor bands, most recently Colorado All-State.

Has intimate knowledge of the addresses of the people who read applications such as this.

Knows how to break into houses at night with extreme silence and efficiency.

Has studied enough anatomy to know how to bleed a person out before they can wake up. 

Does not know the meanings of the terms “mercy” or “remorse”.

(A week after I sent this into the local Wal-Mart, the Yakuza contacted me and said they’d like an interview)